Episode Transcript
Speaker 1 00:00:08.1199999 Welcome to the university lead mental health podcast, where your host, dr. Hans Watson helps you to learn the why behind mental health issues that you or someone you love may be facing. Dr. Watson is a nationally renowned psychiatrist who is also an expert in psychotherapy, a war proven leader of the U S military. And the only person we know to be an expert in psychiatry, psychodynamics diet is leadership, trauma addiction in the marriage education and more. That's why he was the expert that was flown in to the other side of the country to train the therapists, treating the victims and their families. After the recent mass shootings you heard about in Florida, we are excited to help you to understand the why behind some real life situations. And now your host, dr. Hans Watson Dio, everybody. Welcome back. This is doc Watson coming to you again with another podcast and answering most of the questions that I get.
Speaker 1 00:01:12.6200000 And it's actually a pretty frequent question and people people want to know about physical intimacy. Um, there's a lot of questions about intimacy, about pornography, uh, about a lot of these things. And, and while we go into deeper depth in this, in our, uh, online seminar that we have in our content section and the marriage and the couples communication seminar there, uh, today, we're going to answer some of the questions that people have. And so one of the big ones that, uh, that is repeated in different words is asking what is the psychology behind physical intimacy or sex? So today, um, heads up, this will be some adult topics, and we're obviously going to stay very professional and, and whatnot, but there will be so much details that could be considered graphic by many. And so please realize this is a, a medical and psychological discussion about sex.
Speaker 1 00:02:11.2700000 And so it probably is, is a good one to, uh, make sure that there are adults or responsible people in the room. We'll try to make it as family friendly as possible, but that is a warning to anybody out there. Once again, we have Jeremy here who, who is with us and we're going to be answering the question. So that first question of, of, uh, what is the psychology behind sex. And so to begin, we should, uh, we should talk about, you know, Jeremy, what would you say, are they popular, um, impressions, maybe two or three impressions, or if you have any, or you, don't no big deal, um, with how people, uh, conceptualize sex and what it is. Oh, five, not about the general public,
Speaker 2 00:03:00.2500000 But, uh, one thing that for me, um, was, was a difference in perception is, um, before I was married, I thought that it was purely a physical thing. And then when I had sex, it was amazing how, how, how
Speaker 1 00:03:21.6300000 Emotionally attached that was
Speaker 2 00:03:23.8800000 And how, how much more of a emotional connection it was than simply physical. And so that, that's a perception that I think changed for me when I discovered what it was really all about. I don't know if that's a general perception for other people that it's like, Oh, it's just physical.
Speaker 1 00:03:43.5000000 That's extremely astute. Um, you're going to see, and I want to write down a note here. So we, we cover something, you just sparked my memory in there. Okay. Okay. Um, you're welcome everybody out there that got to watch me write down my, uh, my note to take this. So thanks for bearing with us. This is real life, not, this is not scripted. Um, so you, you bring up a very good point. Uh, many people simply say, Oh, it was the physical, it was the physical, uh, we actually have a special kind of an MRI that teaches us whether it's physical or not. Um, there's parts of the brain that deal with different things. And we see that, um, one of the, an MRI is a machine. First of all, I shouldn't just assume everybody has med school under their belt and knows the difference between an MRI and a CT machine.
Speaker 1 00:04:39.9000000 And a CT scanner is the equivalent of an X Ray machine. That takes a whole bunch of x-rays going down and paint a picture, a 3d picture. If you will, of what's going on in your body, using tons of experts. They're really good at taking pictures of hard things like bones and, and, uh, what bones are the excellent one. They're just really good at looking at bones. CTS are good at other things. Like if you have an active bleed in your brain, they capture a lot of that. Cause there's a lot of iron in our blood. So, so things like that, but what about all the soft tissues? Our body is made up of tons of soft tissues, muscles, ligaments, nerves, vessels, all these things. While we actually have something called an MRI, a magnetic resonance imaging, and this is excellent at taking it. Doesn't use a radiation like an X Ray does it uses magnets in a, if you, if you want to look at how that works, there's a whole physics class on how that works.
Speaker 1 00:05:38.3100000 So I'll let anybody who wants to do the physics, go to that area. This today. It won't be that. But what it does is it takes pictures of the soft tissue, your brain, all the neurons and the nerves that make up your brain. That's that? Well, they have done a great job. The scientists have done a great job. They actually invented one called a functional MRI. And this is one that shows us when something's actually working. It will light up when it's working. So you can see if you're lifting with your bicep muscles, when they take an MRI or bicep, you would actually see that lighting up. It's working at that moment. Whereas if the muscles relaxed, it wouldn't be lit up because it's not working. It works for your brain too. We can see which parts of your brain at working at that moment and which parts aren't.
Speaker 1 00:06:23.3300000 And so they've done some studies on intimacy and sex and found that there are certain parts of our brain that light up and they're the rewards center and the reward center. We noticed it. If it's a, well, there's a big step, a rind, if it is surely physical, then we would see the reward centers go off. And a huge spike of dopamine would come out when you got the physical, um, uh, response. So the physicals, uh, satisfaction, we'd see these giant dopamine spikes and two parts of the brain, one called the nucleus accumbens, which causes us to feel good. And then the second one called the ventral tegmental area, which makes us desire that feel good more often. And that we're oversimplifying just a little bit. It's still very scientifically accurate. And so we would see these light up like crazy because they're getting fed dopamine, the feel good hormone, one of them.
Speaker 1 00:07:21.4700000 And, and so what did we see? We saw that when people do sex, that these two areas light up the same way that cocaine causes it light up, same way that sugary and salty foods cost that to light up the same way. When you overcome something hard, win a championship, uh, you know, stop doing a habit that was really hard for you just accomplish something. It also lights up in all of these, uh, when people finish working out, oftentimes they'll get a small lift of that. That's called the runner's high. So we see this. So the question is, what if it's physical, when we're talking about sex, what is the one way that you could get the most physical satisfaction from a sexual encounter? And a lot of people haven't thought of it this way. Of course, I'm a scientist by nature. And so I thought of it this way, trying to understand what's behind this.
Speaker 1 00:08:14.6300000 So when I'm doing sex therapy for, for some of my patients and my couples, and so as you're doing that, you look at it, there is no way to get more physical satisfaction or response than through masturbation. Nobody could be more responsive to things that work physically or don't work physically, then the person living in that body. And so you look at it. And so if it is a physical thing, sex, then the question would be, which is going to have a bigger dopamine release masturbation or a sexual encounter with somebody that you a loved one or a trusted individual, which one is going to have a bigger dopamine release. If it's all physical. And the answer would be masturbation would because nobody can be more responsive and you could have a longer and stronger orgasm by being in control yourself than anybody else. Right?
Speaker 1 00:09:17.7600000 However, what did we learn on the functional MRI? The functional MRI shows the dopamine release is much smaller and short-lived through masturbation than it is through an encounter with a loved one, a trusted individual. And so that right there teaches us very fundamentals of sex. And that is, this is a psychological more than physical apps. You can't eliminate there is still, but we see massively more activation of those dopamine centers, ventral tegmental area, and the nucleus when somebody engages in a healthy sexual relationship with somebody else through masturbation. And so that proves to us, this is usually psychological. I'll even go as high as saying in females, it's probably somewhere close to 98% psychological and 2% physiological or physical really in males. It's probably similar. Wow. And so that is something that many people don't realize is, is, wow, this is not what I thought it was, which was surely a physical act.
Speaker 1 00:10:43.3100000 Now there is some physical action. Otherwise there would be no neuronal stimulation as, as the genitalia or our, um, stimulated. And it sends that, uh, that response of the neuro nervous system and all that type of thing we could even get into the parasympathetic causes an erection in the mail or the clitoris and the, and the sympathetic is what happens during the orgasm. That all that's fine, but that's, that's physical is a tiny part. It really doesn't take much to cause an erection in either the clitoral tissue or the penile tissue. So that's just not a huge part. It is psychological. So that's where we're going to spend. The majority of our time is on that psychological point. And so the question that that leads to is what is the psychology behind sex? Now, many people have many wild beliefs and ideas about what it is, but here's what it really is.
Speaker 1 00:11:44.2700000 You're about to get what it really is and realizing I studied because I've studied psycho. Now I've studied sex very in depth. Freud was big it's to understanding the little bit and it'll drive. He caught calls it. And that has benefited me very greatly in couples therapy that I do as well as formal sex therapy that I do with people. And so a heads up in case you're wondering, yes, I am, uh, an expert in sex therapy. We could do, we could do that. That's fine. But the psychology is very interesting and it's not the same for men and women. I know Jeremy you're surprised women are different.
Speaker 1 00:12:30.9099999 So, so the, the, the differences. So what should we start with men or women when we're discussing the psychology of intimacy? Um, well, we're men. So ladies first ladies, before tonight, it was a 50 50 deal could have picked either. Cause we're going to talk about both. All right, for men, uh, sex represents for a man, uh, a masculine person will say, um, uh, because there are some, the vast majority fit into the masculine or the feminine. There are some individuals who have more masculine traits and they tend to be more successful in business. And the studies have shown this. This is not just some opinion of mine, but this is based on studies. And so understanding when we say men, we're talking about masculine individuals and that can be born biologically female or male, I'm not going to get into that, the whole politics about gender and that type of thing.
Speaker 1 00:13:30.1900000 No, this is, this is just the psychology of people with masculine traits or psychology of people with feminine traits and I'll leave the rest alone. So I'm going to for simplicity sake, I'm just going to say men and women realizing that there are some women with masculine traits and there are some men with feminine traits. So, so no offense intended for anybody. But as we look at this, if a man, when they come in and they study, or excuse me, when we are looking at what the psychology is behind intimacy for men, this is broken down in a simplest form. You could say it is the opportunity for that man to be validated as a man, as that Knight in shining armor, somebody that is desirable because of the way that they can provide and protect, right? So as you look at that, you will actually be able to see men who have a good sex life tend to be very confident in their ability to provide and protect.
Speaker 1 00:14:43.9300000 That doesn't mean they have that. They have a job that every other man would be the us consider to be a great, but the ones who matter to them think that right. And so most people don't realize that is if you have a man with a low self esteem, one of the ways you can help them is helping them feel like they're a good provider and a good protector. And that is going to result in a lot of, of, um, improvements. In fact, in many of, uh, it's not a rare thing. I have helped many men who struggle with erectile dysfunction when we worked on their ability to become better providers and better protectors, for some reason, their rectal dysfunction either completely resolved or much improved, right? Isn't that a curious thing for some of these men that was coming, uh, coming to grips with and overcoming a trauma for others, it was getting a better job that they knew, meaning their real potential, uh, stop being such a lazy person at home.
Speaker 1 00:15:58.5200000 Uh, it was one of my patients told me I quit being lazy and suddenly I could function again. I knew better than you. That was one of the things we talked about. So can you see how for men, this is very validating. In fact, uh, one of the ways that you can look at the psychology behind something is look at the movies. The movies always have some of the best psychological consultants for them. Well, the good ones do. And so you look at it pornography, if a pornography that's written for a man, what do we see? The males roles they're finally in control. They're finally a dominant force that could provide and protect. And so as we see that many men who are too fragile to look at themselves in the mirror, what porn does they prefer? It's actually one where they get to be so in control of something in their life, to where we see them ejaculate onto a woman, to where their view of being in control is finally putting somebody else down.
Speaker 1 00:17:07.6400000 And so we'll see the, the, the orgasm, isn't something that's a loving mutual thing. No, there is there a jacket relating onto another person's face? Hmm. That's quite a demeaning thing, but it shows the psychology of people who are not confident in their ability to provide and to protect to where the only way they can feel just some imitation of that would be to control that woman. Whereas we find that most people, at least I find, I say, we, as if you're doing psychotherapy, Jeremy's not a mental health provider for everyone out there. He's he does my web web design for me, what we, what I found in people who are struggling with their identity as a man, they tend to be the ones that seek pornography or the man is dominant. This is all about them establishing dominance. They're going to ejaculate onto somebody else's face.
Speaker 1 00:18:06.5400000 You know, that I'm in charge. And it's a cheap imitation of I'm confident enough that I could be vulnerable with a lady. And they still know that even though I'm showing vulnerability, I am a provider and they protect her. You get into it to where the people are so fragile that they are absolutely. These males are so fragile that they're absolutely ready to fall apart. And their life is nothing but a facade of somebody who has it confidently together. What pornography are they watching? They're watching ones where they're abusing the female. Can you see how this is a psychologically powerful action? And it's the more fragile you are, the more in charge to the point that you're taking advantage of somebody else. Because your, when we get deep down to the psychodynamics, you feel so taken advantage and helpless in your life. Pornography might be the only place you actually get to feel in control, even though it's only a counterfeit for just a little while.
Speaker 2 00:19:18.9500000 Interesting. And I've also heard it, the other side of the pendulum that, um, a lot of the, the men who are into, um, the, the femdom, the feminine dominance being dominated are generally very powerful people in, in their real lives who never get to just let go of control. It's like they are 100% on all the time in charge of everything and they never get to just have a break and let somebody else take charge. Is that
Speaker 1 00:19:55.3100000 It's not held true. I can't say for sure, it's not held true in my practice. The patients who I've worked with that enjoyed that type of a thing. Yes. They had an area where they were very dominant. Maybe they were a CEO of a company, right. But their home life was falling apart outside of those employees who had to, because they needed to keep their job, show them that they were going to give them the respect of somebody. That's a provider and a protector. They had nobody that really felt that way for them. And so they, you know, many people looked at it and said, look at this, they're a powerful CEO, but when you got down to it and they got into a safe place, like in therapy with me was not the case. That was a facade. And they actually felt terribly out of control and inadequate a father as a provider and provider.
Speaker 1 00:20:50.2200000 I mean, I brought a lot of money. It means I'm providing for the needs of my family, right? Money is only one type of need. All these other ways are also, so when we're doing this, don't confuse provider with breadwinner, that's only one part of providers. Okay. And so this is a good point for us to, to explain something. And we've kind of hinted on it. Any time you want to understand movies, you just have to look at the, the movie to see what demographic they're looking at. And we're, we're doing a podcast on that one coming up, but I've shown you here. You can look at the psychology of who they're targeting by what the undertone of the movie is. And so that's a little sneak peek for one of the, one of the upcoming podcasts we have coming on on what the movies at, what's the psychology behind movies and how they write them.
Speaker 1 00:21:44.7000000 So, um, but, uh, now we've, we've given men some attention. Let's give females some attention women, what would pornography for women represent? So we'll get to that. But first let's talk about the psychology. So you can understand it for women intimacy and sex, not represent provider or being, you know, a, it doesn't represent being a provider. And it does not represent, um, uh, being accepted as, as that, uh, um, protector, as I can't believe I struggled for protector that hard, but there you go. This is why it guys, this is a real thing. So instead for females, what sex represents is it represents for them the most vulnerable way they can be. I personally have, when a females allows her body to be penetrated, she is allowing somebody to touch her soul. There is no more vulnerable way to be, or no more vulnerable situation than intimacy and penetration for a female.
Speaker 1 00:23:03.1800000 And, uh, I'll give you an example of why you can go and see and experience the worst traumas in the world, horrific things in war or horrific deaths and that type of thing. What percentage of the people will actually get PTSD off of that? Any guesses, no idea. It's 30 to 50% of the people that experienced think of the worst traumas you can think of in war, you know, or, or in regular life, 30 to 50% will get PTSD. Okay. Right. If there is rape and it involves penetration over 75% will experience PTSD. Well it's because this is to be penetrated is a, such a vulnerable position is such a vulnerable act that this is a female who allows a male to pet or, or, or another female, excuse me, a female who allows themselves to be penetrated. They are actually allowing and showing the greatest level of trust that can happen.
Speaker 1 00:24:27.2900000 Now, some people will say, what about the hookup, the hookup in college? Yeah. There have been studies that followed people who did the hookup in college, longterm studies. It is incredibly damaging. And the reason behind that is these are individuals who at times are even trying to say, I'm going to trust you as somebody that could be a protector and a, and a provider here, you're going to provide some of what I need in life. You're going to be a protector and help protect me. And what happens if that's just a hookup, their word is, you're not, even though you use showed that vulnerability, you're not worth it to me to even be somebody that will protect and provide for you, the things you need, whereas when they do so. So one of the big ones, that's hard for guys. And we talk about this a lot in our, in our marriage, a course that we have on there.
Speaker 1 00:25:31.5800000 Guys, what is one of the biggest needs that every female has, that we're extremely uncomfortable with emotional vulnerability. They want to hear about your feelings. Yeah. And for a female, if that guy is then saying, I need to be validated. I need to be validated as a man, the Knight in shining armor. Well then what does the woman need to be validated as somebody that she can trust that you're somebody she can trust as able to be vulnerable with the biggest way you can demonstrate your vulnerability to a woman. As a man, to demonstrate that to a woman is to show some vulnerability yourself. When's the last time a guy came home and said, my boss yelled at me today. And you talk about bringing up one of my biggest fears. You know, my biggest fear is being an outright failure. And when he pointed out what I did wrong, it may be curious, so mad because I feared that it was coming true.
Speaker 1 00:26:34.0700000 That I'm a failure to the point that I reacted with anger to hold loss at emotion. Now that's some psychodynamic stuff we're bringing out there. You can see if you're not talking about your feelings, are you really going to show your wife or, or, or that lady unconsciously, that you're somebody that can be trusted with vulnerability, right? And so you can see now sex where a female represents safety in being vulnerable with this person. And so what do we see? We actually see married people who in a safe place experienced that vulnerability with each other. They have more, more often and more adventurous sex than anybody who thinks, yeah, I'm gonna, I'm gonna do this. Like the pornography shows and take charge and no, it's just the opposite. And so what we see is a huge change. Once we start understanding the psychology of sex, so a guy that says, I need more sex in my marriage, guess what he needs to do.
Speaker 1 00:27:43.7400000 He needs to show vulnerability. And if, if is unable to show vulnerability, because maybe there's a trauma there, guess what that wife needs to do, get into therapy to learn when it's safe to be vulnerable, you can see how sex therapy, when it's good sex therapy is much more than do this physical act and this physical act and this face, right? It's actually a psychodynamic evaluation of where they're coming from and then therapy to work with each individual to help them to get to a point that they feel safe, being vulnerable with each other, that they can now become a provider or that they can now become vulnerable enough to be penetrated. You can just see how this is so much more psychological than it is. And there's a lot of bad sex therapy out there where they just say, go home and masturbate and do this and this and this. And those may be appropriate for certain individuals in certain times. The vast majority though, there's a lot of psychology before that, that step. So I've dropped a lot there. Jeremy, where are you at right now?
Speaker 2 00:28:42.7400000 Well, I I'm wondering if something that, that I was thinking about while you were talking about the man being vulnerable parallels, what, what you actually said, because you kind of went down a different path than what, what came into my mind. But one of the things that's really hard for me is to, um, w when my wife is being vulnerable and expressing something, that's upsetting to her. And I think this is hard for a lot of men is to not be the fix it guy, just to let her be vulnerable. And my wife has told me before, she's like, I don't want to hear your reply. I don't want your opinion. I don't want you to fix it. I just want to hug. Why can't you just pull up?
Speaker 1 00:29:35.8200000 Why can't you just hug me? That's very intimate and important to her. And to me is just like, you're telling me these things and I have the answer to it. I want to solve
Speaker 2 00:29:46.4200000 Problem. I want to be that Knight in shining armor, but she just wants me to recognize her and just give her a hug and be like, it's going to be okay. I don't know how I'm not going to make it. Okay. But I'm just going to tell you this floating in the clouds, it's going to be okay. And that means more to her than my instincts. So fix it
Speaker 1 00:30:12.7800000 A really good point. And we talk about that pretty in depth in that, in our marriage seminar, where we're referring to it over and over. Um, and yes, in case you're in case you're getting this a week, it came out that marriage seminar is still in production. It's not quite out, but it's on its way. But the, um, the big thing there is, you've described something. Your wife is telling you at that moment, she needs you to provide something one way. And you're saying, but I know a way that would cause me to feel like a provider. I would feel like a provider. And she's saying, that's not what I need you to provide right now. So you're frustrated because she's hurting your ability to provide. And that's what you want to do is be there to provide, which is a good sentiment. But until you have a psychotherapist who's worth, they're worth their weight.
Speaker 1 00:31:02.5800000 Point that out to you, then you go, Oh, wait a minute. She still allowing me to provide just by saying to her, I love you. And you are still wonderful. And you don't even have to say, it's going to be okay. They just want that hug. And to tell them they're wonderful. And sometimes it's not going to be okay. But even if it's not, I'm here with you. Notice how that suddenly they're being provided for. Whereas right now, what you're doing is you're being a normal man. And you're saying, but I can provide don't stop. My, this is me. I want to provide, I love you so much. So kind of an exciting thing, now that you bring that up, many people out there are probably going to go, Holy crap, these rights, really, I was trying to provide. That's why I hated it so much is because you're stopping me from, but then you start to realize, wait, it's just as valuable.
Speaker 1 00:31:49.6200000 If I provide this, I'm doing that. And maybe one day, she's going to come back and say, Oh, by the way, how would you fix this thing? And so long as you do that, when you provide what she needs at that time. And so nothing goes out there. This is your job. Also, you have to use blood things. We talked about this. You can't just expect them to know the intuition that you needed to hug. No, literally you have to say it out loud. I don't need you to fix it. I just need a hug.
Speaker 2 00:32:15.8100000 Okay. Yep. And that helps tremendously when she, when she verbalizes that. And when she doesn't, it often turns into a fight because my way of fixing it is, Oh, well, if you did this this way, and now she hears criticism, not helpful guidance, like, Oh, I know how do that better? It's you're not good enough. And then that turns into a fight where we don't want to hug each other, or at least I don't want to hug because I feel like, Oh, I'm trying to provide help here. And now I'm being accused of being, um, hurtful and critical and attacking you,
Speaker 1 00:32:58.1200000 Just trying to respond.
Speaker 2 00:32:59.7100000 Yeah. My way to actually be helpful. But, um, but it rarely comes across that way.
Speaker 1 00:33:07.6400000 So what you're describing there is is you each have experienced something that's very impactful. I'm glad you, you brought it up. And that is she's experiencing, you're refusing to provide what I need. You're only willing to provide thing you want to, and this is on the unconscious level. Whereas you're experiencing, you refuse to let me do the man's job of providing. And instead you just want to complain at me and then not let me provide
Speaker 2 00:33:36.4000000 What I'm trying to provide out of the goodness of my heart to be helpful. And that's making me feel not accepted.
Speaker 1 00:33:44.3800000 So you can see how that would affect a sex life like crazy. She's feeling. Not that you're not willing to hear. You're no longer safe. That's going to hurt the sex lives. It's going to hurt the sex life for you. Cause you're not appreciated as a man. And then when you, then when you, in spite of your best efforts, aren't receiving intimacy, that's a second rejection of your being a provider. And so it's really impactful just knowing this. I have many couples that they do this and suddenly their sex life starts to improve without even doing any of the, any of the formal sex therapy. Now, now, with that being said, I want to move on to our next question. With a few minutes, we have left. Another person asked what is the deal with people's focus on attractive bodies and sexuality. That's the psychology behind it.
Speaker 1 00:34:34.6000000 They said, because shouldn't a person just be happy that they love me. Even if I'm overweight. And as many people know, I've already written a diet book called the two rule diet, and it's coming out here shortly. Um, uh, the publisher just talk to them today. And they said, yeah, we're into the last of it. It's in editing and it'll be coming out soon. So every stayed tuned with that two rule that's coming out. But the psychology behind weight is also very interesting. And it does go back to intimacy and sexuality. What it is is a man who can provide and protect will be the psychology of the female. They more females will desire them. So it's only going to be the most successful females that are able to attract a male that's able to provide and protect. So what do we see the males look like in pornography?
Speaker 1 00:35:39.9900000 They're strong and they're generally successful. You don't, you don't see the pornography that's made for a female to wear. It's the plumber well of maybe you do there to where it's just so you don't see the couch potato who's out of shape and really doesn't have anything going on in their life as the actor in that pornography or who is attractive in any other movies instead, what do we see? We see an in shape person. Who's showing signs of success in that masculine role of providing and protecting, you know, a stronger man is more likely to be able to defend in a time of crisis. That is many people would believe that's an inbred psychological part of the unconscious. And you'll see successful CEOs and businessmen are often the actor in a pornography made for women. Okay, well then let's look at the opposite for men, for men.
Speaker 1 00:36:39.2400000 What do we see? We tend to see those females that have the most choices. They tend to be the ones who are attractive. They have, they have in shape, legs and hips. And then, you know, whereas the men had strong pecs and arms and legs the women have in shaped legs. And then the bodies that, you know, I guess we don't have to name all the body parts. Everybody can imagine what an attractive male or female looks like. Right? But you tend to see that. And so they would have many options. And so what are we showing there? So when a female keeps herself in shape and allows a very robust and healthy sexual relationship, what message is she communicating to that male that is she's communicating. I have other options, but I choose you as my protector, my protector and provider. Can you see how powerful a woman that keeps herself in shape and still chooses to have a healthy sex life?
Speaker 1 00:37:49.6500000 How that is now? Let's look at that the other way. What about a woman who keeps herself in shape and doesn't have a healthy sex life with her husband? She is then sending the unconscious message. I'm keeping myself in shape. So I have options just in case. I never, I need to leave you just in case I find a better deal out there. Even though that might, may not be the case. That is the unconscious message that is sent over and over and over. And that's why many of the couples I work with it really is. They're not looking elsewhere, but that's the unconscious message they're sending. And I don't know how to untrain the brain to do that. Like it or not. If you're a female and you are, or there's one more, what about the female who doesn't take the time to keep themselves in shape?
Speaker 1 00:38:39.3099999 Usually they're only going to be able to attract somebody else who is not a go getter, who doesn't have a lot going for themselves, right? Either that, or you're going to have to find yourself a doormat with very low self esteem. And some of those people can achieve great things. But that way they'll never, they'll never expect you to get in shape so that you show them that, Hey, I have other options. I still, I still choose you. What a compliment to your, your partner. It is to maintain a fit body or keep yourself eat, right? Whatever it takes and still maintain a robust sex life. Same thing for males, the same thing, a male who doesn't keep themselves in shape, what message are they sending to somebody if they attracted a good girl and then fell out of shape later? Well, now that I got you, I no longer care about showing you that you're wonderful. And she having a situation where I can be a protector valuing what they're bringing to the relationship.
Speaker 2 00:39:45.5600000 It's almost like a form of betrayal or cheating right there to come and say, here's what I have to offer. And then you get the ring around the finger and say, don't have to offer that anymore.
Speaker 1 00:39:58.4700000 Really? And whether that's fair or not, I'm not here to say what's fair. And what's not. I'm here to say what the psychology and the unconscious mind is saying. And so, so yes, it is to the unconscious mind, which is not the smart part of our brain. That's the frontal lobe. That's a smart part. It is a betrayal, right? And so unconsciously, you are betraying your partner like it or not. I don't, I'm not saying it's right or wrong. I'm just telling you what the psychology is. And so, as we look at that, that's a powerful thing. And we should know that. And so many of my couples, it's, it's interesting. How many of my couples, when they learn this, they, they stop pressuring each other to get in shape and to eat healthy. And it starts to be each individual, as a way, will tell other partner.
Speaker 1 00:40:50.8800000 I want you to know you're appreciated. I know that for you, intimacy is a big deal. I'm going to get in shape as a way of demonstrating to you, just how important you are to me, right? Isn't that a powerful state. And if you say it out loud, isn't that powerful. You're demonstrating how important they are to you. And tell me that won't endear them to then say, Holy crap. Well, if you're going to do that for me, do you know what I'm going to do for you? And now it becomes a, it becomes a competition to see who can serve the other one more and who can be kinder. The other one, that's a pretty good relationship when there's a competition on to try to be kinder to them because you're so grateful how kind they were to you that tends to lead to a real happy life.
Speaker 1 00:41:37.5800000 Awesome. So I hope that answers why, first of all, I hope that answers why people would be attracted to, um, individuals with, uh, attractive feats and, and, you know, what's attractive will continue to morph over time. If you look back in the, even the 1980s, as long as then, huge breasts were not all that, right? Whereas today, guess what many people, huge breasts is, is extremely attractive to them that will continue. Or maybe one day it will be a back to back to normal sized breasts. I don't know. It's the psychology of the psychology does not determine what is, and isn't attractive. The psychology just takes what we determined as attractive, and then it imprints that on there. And so maybe one day what we consider obesity today will be extremely attractive. And either way you show your, your loved one that they're, they're wonderful is to become obese, right?
Speaker 1 00:42:38.9300000 You would want to eat the opposite of the two rule diet that I created. Just so you could show them, you love them. I hope that's never the case because diabetes is a killer, but that is why a physical attractiveness exists. That's why many times physical attractiveness does affect relationships. And there is a responsibility for, for them to put themselves in a position to where the things that their spouse finds attractive. And guess what it doesn't necessarily mean they're superficial, right? There's a lot more unconscious and psychology to it than just that. And it's, it's more of a demonstration instead of just superficial. You want this, it's more a demonstration of, I am somebody who is so attractive that I have other options, and I choose you your, that good a deal I choose you. And so that's the, that's the way that it really comes out psychologically. And that's why it's so important for us to take pride in, uh, trying to meet what our, what our partner finds attractive. There's a real weight in that. If you've talked about it, right,
Speaker 2 00:43:50.5900000 Well then it shows commitment to staying attractive, um, w which would show commitment to the relationship and also, um, a commitment to that. Longevity, if your health is so poor, that you're saying, Hey, you get to live with the stress of knowing that you could lose me at any time. That's certainly not productive as the protector provider. That's putting the, the, um, the other person in the relationship at, at risk and, and in a vulnerable state that they're probably not asking for. And that communication,
Speaker 1 00:44:32.2400000 You're not even important enough for me to eat healthy to where I'm going to be in shape, and I can be there for you. You're not even that important to me, right? Tell me, that's not a demoralizing thing for a partner, so you can see how, where most people, and I'll be honest with you. It's really a crutch for people who are addicted to food to say, dang it, in order to, in order to show you, you're more important than food. I have to actually start eating healthier, but this is many times how I get my happiness from the day is through a chemical boost to that nucleus accumbens and ventral tegmental area. So I get that dopamine release. I'm not doing the things in my life, accomplishing the hard things that would make a company. Maybe you can't, maybe there's other things. So it's, it can be very hard.
Speaker 1 00:45:19.1400000 I'm not diminishing people who have a food addiction or people who have that, but it does send a clear message to any potential partners that you may not be a great catch. You may be second or third in line. Whereas I always say, if you're married, your spouse is first, uh, excuse me, your health is first. Your spouse is second, and then your children are third and the rest of your life comes forth. So, you know, you shouldn't be putting food in front of your spouse. You shouldn't be putting kids in front of your spouse. You can, but your marriage is not going to be a healthy one. And so does that clear up? Uh, I hope that, uh, it will, we'll leave the rest to people that want to jump in, jump in deeper, cause we're out of time for the, um, for the, uh, the, uh, seminar that we have on the marriage and the communication.
Speaker 1 00:46:14.9400000 Um, but, uh, yeah, I hope this clears up those questions. I get, uh, the ones about intimacy and gives people kind of a starting point where if this, if this rang true to you, you may want to check out, uh, the, the seminar we do marriage retreats and people really, really tend to, uh, come back and report, um, how productive this was for them and exactly why it was. And, and, and we, we get into this type of stuff in depth in much of my marriage, a marriage therapy that we do. So, any final thoughts there, Jeremy,
Speaker 2 00:46:47.1800000 There's just so much more to talk about. I wish we had more time. Uh, one thing that I did did pop into my mind that I felt was a little profound when you're talking about how our opinion of what we find attractive can change is when, um, president Obama became president and Michelle Obama walked out on stage with a sleeveless dress showing off her muscular, beautiful arms. There is a woman married to the now most powerful man in the world. And I think arms became toned. Arms suddenly became attractive to people all the place
Speaker 1 00:47:30.5200000 Because perhaps they were associated with, Oh, here's what the most powerful man in the world has offered to him. Now, arms are really important to all these people definitely believe that that is right in line with the psychology. I see. And it doesn't hurt that, that a first lady Obama was an attractive individual. And so, yes, you're right. But yes, it does not hurt when they start seeing the most powerful woman in the world, arguably right. As having this, this attractive feature, no question, especially for the female psyche, that that suddenly would be something they say, I bet that's attractive. Look at that. She has those arms unconsciously would me having those arms attract a powerful man that can provide a good life for me too. Right. You're writing line. You're starting to think about the psychology so close out. And once again, guys, there's a lot of content on a university of lead.com. A lot of it's free on there. So go on to that online content section, look it up and keep the questions coming. If you have more questions, ask the doc it's right on the front page of university, elite.com. And this is the kind of, kind of stuff that we have going on and we'd love sharing it. So keep your questions coming and until then, bye for now. And you guys be well
Speaker 0 00:48:52.8600000 <inaudible>.